


Tears in Heaven

by Genie60



Category: Poldark (TV 2015), Poldark - All Media Types
Genre: Child Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Love, Marriage, Survival, life - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 03:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13673355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genie60/pseuds/Genie60
Summary: S1 filler/"What if"--An imagining of what might have happened if Ross wasn't arrested on the cliffs at the end of Season 1





	Tears in Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Title /lyrics courtesy of Eric Clapton.
> 
> For the "Shady Ladies" on FB.
> 
> As always mistakes are solely mine as I'm my own beta.

_Time can bring you down_  
_Time can bend your knees_  
_Time can break your heart_  
_Have you begging please, begging please_

 _Beyond the door_  
_There's peace I'm sure_  
_And I know there'll be no more_  
_Tears in heaven_

 

They watched as the ribbon blew away keeping it in sight until the last possible moment.  Demelza then curled into Ross’s chest and wept; not the convulsive tears when she first heard the news but soft, gentle crying that he barely felt.  His arms went around her slim torso engulfing her in his strength. She felt even smaller than ever, the sickness taking away some of the softness she had developed with Julia’s birth. Ross’s eyes remained closed as if by doing so the reality of their loss would disappear.  He felt his wife’s hands clutching his back, her grip still strong.  He knew she needed him to cling to but wasn’t sure he had the fortitude to be the pillar of strength she sought.  Without ever saying so, it was Demelza who was the strong one all these years; she carried the burden of so much of this marriage and often his follies yet never complained.  Even when he walked out on her a few days ago, not sure he could love her after the betrayal with Verity, she still came to him with a smile and food for his miners.  Now it was she who would need him to be the support system. And quite frankly, he wasn’t sure he had it in him.

The events of the past few days seemed to eat away at any kind of confidence he had. Whether it was as a mine owner, farmer, cousin, friend, husband or father; each one of those was whittled at by an epidemic that he had no control over.  At first, he blamed Demelza –albeit silently—for bringing the scourge into their home until Dwight told him that she and Julia must have been carrying the disease long before she went to Trenwith.  So who could he blame?  It was easy when he though the other household brought this upon him; cut ties to the other Poldarks and turn a cold shoulder to his wife.  Now it seemed there was no one person to blame.   Except maybe himself for being arrogant and stubborn.  He looked down at the head of wild red hair and his heart broke.  He had taken Demelza off the streets to save her from a life of begging and who knows what else and now what had he to offer her?  He had vowed to protect and care for her and he’d failed at both.  How were they to get through this? And the other question he asked himself was, did he even want to?

 “Demelza?  Shall we go home?  I don’t think Dwight would appreciate you meandering around after just coming out of this illness,” he said quietly. 

His chin rested on her head as his hands massaged her back.

“I suppose you’re right. Just one more moment? Please?” she asked.

“Yes.”

They stood quietly together on the cliffs, staring out over the sea, the forceful breeze lifting their hair, but hitting their bodies with a gentle caress. 

“Ross?  Do you realize so many things that have occurred in our lives happened here on these cliffs?”

He pulled away from her to search her face for an explanation.  She saw that he was confused and so went on.

“This is where you found me when I left the first time, do you remember?  And you brought me back after fighting with my father?”

She tucked back into him and settled close to his coat. The memory came back to Ross and he smiled.

“Yes.  Now I do.  It’s also where I found you after you ran away that second time.  After….”

He couldn’t finish that thought as the memory of their first night together brought feelings of both joy and embarrassment.

“I remember.  I never told you how glad I was that you didn’t let me go,” she said.

“I’m glad too. I must have known then that I couldn’t live without you for it to spur me to follow you both times,” he replied.

“I’m sure,” she said with a tinge of doubt.

“It’s also where I first knew I truly loved you.  After the pilchards came in.”

He felt her smile against his chest and he held her tighter.

“Yes.  I knew then I was with child.”

Her confession caught him by surprise.

“Why didn’t you say something then?” he didn’t mean to sound harsh but he felt he had no control over his emotions today.

“I don’t know.  I suppose I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it. Or me.”

Ross realized how much Demelza doubted his love for her. 

“It seems for all my blustering about other things, I couldn’t tell the person who means the most to me how I felt.  Forgive me,” he asked.

Demelza looked up at him then, raising a hand to his cheek.

“Ross, there is nothing to forgive.  Not today. Not ever.”

He leaned down and gave her the whisper of a kiss. He was then reminded again of just how close he came to losing her. Her normally soft lips were chapped and dry from being parched during her fever. Yet the taste of them was as sweet as ever.

“Come, my love,  let’s get you home,” he said.

They walked slowly back to where Darkie waited for them and Ross lifted Demelza back into the saddle, settling in behind her.  The ride home was silent, each of them lost in their thoughts; both dreading the return to an empty house.  Without Julia, it would just be the two of them.  Not even Jud or Prudie to fill the void.  As they approached the yard, Ross felt Demelza take a deep breath as if preparing herself for battle.  When they reached their house, Ross pulled Darkie to a stop and carefully dismounted.  He then helped Demelza down and made sure she was steady on her feet before tying up the horse.  When that was done, he returned to her side and made a motion to carry her.

“Ross put me down!” she cried.

“No.  You’ve done too much today and you’ll indulge me this one time,” he insisted.

He swept her up and without a fight, she laid her head on this shoulder, the warmth of which transferred to his own chilled body.  As they entered the house, the silence was deafening, reminding them loudly that Julia was indeed gone.

Their daughter had been a beacon of hope and a symbol of love between him and Demelza.  Now that she was gone, did they have enough of a foundation to keep them going?  He wanted to believe they did.  He loved his wife; that realization coming to him almost too late when he thought she would be gone forever.  He knew she loved him and had since before they were wed.  He knew he didn’t deserve her love; he’d even put it second to an ideal he refused to part with.  Yet she kept moving forward. Demelza never looked back or even felt sorry for any negative event that befell her.  If he were smart, he’d follow her example.  Only moments ago she was ready to make amends with Francis and didn’t begrudge the fact that Geoffrey Charles would make a full recovery even in light of their loss. Why could he not shake things off as she did?

With Demelza in his arms, Ross started walking directly towards the stairs.

“No!  Don’t take me upstairs.  Not yet.  Can’t we sit in the parlor for a bit?  I’m not that tired,” she said.

He knew why she didn’t want to return to their room; Julia’s empty bed was there, still crumpled with the impression of her tiny body.  Ross didn’t fight her instead, making his way to the parlor, setting her down on the chair.  He found a blanket and draped it on her knees while he stoked the fire.  Once he was satisfied with the blaze he joined his wife.

“Do you need anything?” he asked her remembering that she hadn’t had any food or drink for almost two days.

“I don’t know Ross.  I feel numb. Empty.”

He felt her start to shake again with tears.  Ross had no words of comfort for her.  Perhaps that was because he was feeling angry that she seemed to assume Julia’s loss would only affect her every day of her life. But what about him? 

“I know Demelza but we will have to learn to live without her.  Take it day by day I suppose,“  he said but without much conviction.

“I suppose.  It’s just that she was everything to us, Ross.  Now without her…”

“Yes?”

“What is there? What reason do we have to go on?”

For the first time, he heard the despair in his wife’s voice. This was something foreign to him as he was about to ask her the same question and that made him smile.  For no matter what, they were still on the same page; soul mates if you care to call it.  Demelza saw his reaction and was puzzled. 

“Ross? What is it? Are you laughing at me?”

He looked at her face and saw that she was becoming upset with him. That was the last thing he wanted so he brought her close and kissed her forehead before putting his arm around again.

“No, Demelza.  Far from it.  I was just thinking that I was going to ask you the same question.  I have relied on you, my love and your strength in everything that has come our way.  Now it is you that needs to be held up and I’m not sure I can do that.  I don’t know that I have it in me to carry us through.”

For the first time in a long while, Demelza saw her husband vulnerable and scared.  And for the first time, they were on a level field.  Both of them floating, like flotsam and jetsam, trying to find something solid to attach themselves to.

“What do you mean? You’ve always been strong for me.  I have looked up to you with such pride since before we were married.  Why do you doubt yourself now?”

Ross’ eyes shimmered with unshed tears.  This girl, this woman, who he brought into his world without an inkling that she would stay to become his touchstone, looked up to him?  In truth, he was the one with the pride in her. 

“Because I am not like you Demelza.  You see how rash and stubborn my family is.  How, when we are hurt, strike back without thinking.  As I did to you.  How do I strike back at this hurt?  How do I make sense of Julia’s death when I don’t understand it myself?”

She understood his dilemma because she felt the same about their joint loss, however, she didn’t try to figure out why it happened.  She just wanted to learn to _live_ with what happened.

“I don’t know Ross.  Sometimes things just happen. When they do we don’t see the reason for it.  Nor can we change it. All we can do is accept it as another fact of life, learn from it and go on living.  I do think that looking to strike back at someone or something is just a waste of time.”

She sounded stronger then, more like herself, knocking some sense into him.  When he smiled at her again, she knew what he was doing.

“Really Ross? Were you just trying to get me to come ‘round? I should crown you,” she said, hard pressed to stay mad because his tactic worked.

She found some of that innate inner strength to wash over her so that she could reach out to him and take some of his pain away.  Turning towards him, Demelza was now the one to bring Ross to her breast and cradle him.  As she did, she felt his body sag and moisture seep into her nightgown and shawl. She said nothing but placed gentle kisses on his head as she threaded her fingers through his curls.  In all their years together she had never seen him cry as he did now; almost like a child when they were injured. Or Julia when she tumbled and fell.  And that is what Demelza realized: that her lost child and her lost husband were one and the same. While she had carried and given birth to their daughter, Ross carried Julia’s being inside him.  So it was natural that with her death, Ross felt a part of him was gone as well.  And it scared him.

Ross clung to her, his fingers sure to leave bruises around her waist but she didn’t care for they would be signs that life went on.  She let him cry, soothing him with words and caresses and love.

“It’s all right my love.  Let the tears fall now and I will catch them.  I will always be here to catch them. We must take heart that we had Julia at all, even if her time here on earth was brief.  Some are never so lucky as we.  We will get through this, Ross.   We have to for you are my life.”

“And you are mine, Demelza.  Always.”

“Then that is what will sustain us as we walk through the darkness into the light.”

He raised his head to look at her, as she brushed his cheeks to dry his tears.  Demelza took his face in her hands and kissed him just as he had done to her earlier.  When they separated, she smiled warmly at him but didn’t let go.  He covered her hands with his and returned the smile.

“Yes my love we will,” he said.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Another quick lunchtime fic born out of a conversation and from viewing various collages, pics, and videos of Ross and Demelza. Updates to all my other fics are in the works. Have no fear. And thank you to all for their continual support. It means everything to me.


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